


How T. rex Got His Groove Back

by alyse



Category: Anthropomorfic - Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Crack, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-06
Updated: 2010-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:27:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyse/pseuds/alyse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with <i>Baryonyx</i>, the bastard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How T. rex Got His Groove Back

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://community.livejournal.com/mmom/profile)[**mmom**](http://community.livejournal.com/mmom/). Unsurprisingly.
> 
> For [](http://davechicken.livejournal.com/profile)[**davechicken**](http://davechicken.livejournal.com/) and [](http://alinak.livejournal.com/profile)[**alinak**](http://alinak.livejournal.com/), who pretty much dared me to, and for [](http://moonlettuce.livejournal.com/profile)[**moonlettuce**](http://moonlettuce.livejournal.com/), who didn't stop me. And for [](http://aithine.livejournal.com/profile)[**aithine**](http://aithine.livejournal.com/), who read it through for me and didn't have me committed on the spot.
> 
> I have taken several liberties with time periods, geographic locations and my sanity.

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[fic](http://alyse.livejournal.com/tag/fic), [fic fandom: other](http://alyse.livejournal.com/tag/fic+fandom:+other), [fic genre: crack!](http://alyse.livejournal.com/tag/fic+genre:+crack%21), [fic pairing: other](http://alyse.livejournal.com/tag/fic+pairing:+other), [mmom: 2009](http://alyse.livejournal.com/tag/mmom:+2009)  
  
---|---  
  
**Pairing:** Tyrannosaurus/Baryonyx.

**Warnings:** I appear to have written dinosaur porn. Oh, the shame.

-o-

It started with _Baryonyx_, the bastard. It was bad enough that he was hunting on _Tyrannosaurus_'s turf **again**, the boldfaced git. It wasn't for nothing, he thought, that he was known as _rex_ of these here parts, and it was about time the bastard realised it. No. _Baryonyx_ had to go one better and stand there, in _Tyrannosaurus **rex**_'s forest, bold as brass, doing things that _Tyrannosaurus_ probably wouldn't even dream of asking Mrs _Tyrannosaurus_ to do for him.

Although, that might have had more to do with the chance of her eating his face if he dared even hint in that direction than anything else. There was also a reason why _Tyrannosaurs_ were lone beasts - so _Tyrannosaurus rex_ could be king of his own castle as it were, without the worry of his wife kicking his arse on a regular basis.

Mind, she wouldn't have stood for this either, if she was here and not off raising their spoilt little brat of a youngling, and _Tyrannosaurus_ took a deep breath and let it all out in a bellow that made the trees shake.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

_Baryonyx_, the bastard, didn't even miss a stroke.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked lazily, his claws continuing to gently stroke along his unsheathed reproductive organ. "Making good use of my grasping claws."

_Tyrannosaurus_ took another deep breath, and roared. It was the kind of roar that sent herds of hadrosaurs running for the hills, and he was pleased to note that it at least put _Baryonyx_ off his stroke. Temporarily.

"Dude. Chill."

"Chill?" _Tyrannosaurus_ roared. "No, I will not fuckin' **chill**! Get a fuckin' room, you deadbeat scavenging layabout."

_Baryonyx_ snorted, releasing his grasp on his reproductive organ. He didn't put it away, though, and it remained hanging there, swaying gently in the Cretaceous breeze. It was thick and red and _Tyrannosaurus_ had to pull his gaze away, his eyes having fixed there in horrified fascination. "Yeah," _Baryonyx_ growled back, lower in pitch than _Tyrannosaurus_'s bellow, "Look who's talking. Like you've never done a little scavenging when things are tight." He snorted, those large, pale eyes looking _Tyrannosaurus_ over contemptuously. "Are you sure you're not jealous that I can reach, when all you have is those itty, bitty arms?"

The bastard had gone too far this time, and _T rex_ bared his teeth, growling low and fiercely in the back of his throat as he edged forwards, his head bobbing from side to side as he wondered just exactly where on _Baryonyx_'s impudent form he was going to rip a new fucking arsehole.

That was one area where _Baryonyx_ was outmatched, and the fucker knew it.

"Whatever," he said, his reproductive organ finally sliding back into its sheath as he backed down and backed away like always, the spineless little shit. And he had the gall to call himself an apex predator. "Seriously, dude. Get laid or something, will you?"

_Tyrannosaurus_ glared after him, staring at his retreating back. As _Baryonyx_ disappeared from view, heading back towards the river, the only snappy comeback that came to mind was a rather nonsensical, "Yeah? And don't come back, you fucking fish-eater!"

"He's right about one thing," came a low voice from the undergrowth, and _Tyrannosaurus_ spun on his heels, turning his bulk as fast as his muscles could stand. There, lurking in the shadows of the towering trees, was _Ankylosaurus_, his head tilted as he stared after _Baryonyx_, just as _Tyrannosaurus_ had been.

_Tyrannosaurus_ bared his fangs with another growl. "You want some of this, too?"

_Ankylosaurus_ snorted and swung his tail around, not moving from the spot as _Tyrannosaurus_ stalked back and forth but making damned sure that _Tyrannosaurus_ got a good look at what he was packing. "Only if you're feeling like having a limb broken today," he said dryly.

"Don't make me eat you," _Tyrannosaurus_ threatened. _Ankylosaurus_ merely snorted again, turning his head to stare back in the direction that _Baryonyx_ had fled.

"I'm pretty sure it's not me angling for that," he said, his tone still as dry as old bones, the ones that had already had the marrow sucked out of them.

"What?"

_Ankylosaurus_ shook his head mock sadly. "Haven't you figured out why he was doing it here?"

"I'm pretty sure he was just pissing in my pool."

"No. I'm fairly certain he was actually pissing in the pool three bends down the river," said _Ankylosaurus_. Trust that early Cretaceous throwback not to understand what the hell _Tyrannosaurus_ was talking about. "That crack about your arms not reaching? I'm also fairly certain there was an offer in there, somewhere."

_Tyrannosaurus_ might not have known anything about offers, but he sure as hell knew when he was being dissed. "You keep away from the fucking hands, you hear?"

He didn't think it was possible for something that heavily armoured to pull the kind of dismissive, sardonic face that _Ankylosaurus_ pulled on hearing that, but apparently he'd been wrong. "I'm not touching your hands," _Ankylosaurus_ said. "In any way, shape or form. But I'm certainly not insulting you because of it." He shrugged, the plates on his back rolling in a way that might have made a lesser dinosaur than _Tyrannosaurus_ think twice about taking him to task. "I mean, I'm a fine one to talk. I don't even have graspable claws, and even if I did..." He arched his back, showing just how impossible it was for him to bend it. "I do have other physical obstacles that stand in the way of a little self-gratification. We can't all be _Apatosaurus_, after all."

"What?"

_Ankylosaurus_ gave him a look that was half-amused and half-exasperated. "Did you never wonder what he puts that neck to use for?"

"Eating trees," replied _Tyrannosaurus_ promptly, and _Ankylosaurus_ snorted again.

"Trees aren't the only things he eats. Have you never wondered why he's so placid and good natured?"

"I figured that was down to the trees. You know those tree hugging, hippy types."

"Oh, he's all for the age of love. Self-love, in this case, obviously." _Ankylosaurus_ rolled his neck, letting the sharp edges of his armoured plate ease whatever itch he needed to scratch. "And... well, let's put it this way. Everything is in proportion."

_Tyrannosaurus_ digested this slowly, along with the small _Iguanodon_ he'd had for lunch.

"He's..."

"Yes." _Ankylosaurus_ settled back on his haunches, staring almost dreamily at the river, where it sparkled through the trees.

"I don't suppose he'd..."

"No." _Ankylosaurus_ snorted again. "And don't even think about asking me to roll over and give it a go. I'm not going to let you eat me. Especially not when there's a good chance you'd actually **eat** me."

"Dude. That's just..."

When words failed him, leaving his jaw snapping pointlessly, _Ankylosaurus_ snorted again and turned his bulk around, trundling off back through the trees. "Your best bet," he threw over his shoulder as he went, "is to follow _Baryonyx_. At least he can reach. Plus, he has that long neck, too."

That was a completely gross image, especially when accompanied by _Ankylosaurus_ attempting to wiggle his brows in a suggestive manner before he finally turned back and looked where he was going. Which was an improvement, because the last time he'd walked into something, he'd left scars on several trees and they still hadn't recovered yet.

"I'm totally not going to do that," _Tyrannosaurus_ yelled after the ancient Saurian, but _Ankylosaurus_ just flicked the club on the end of his tail dismissively and blundered off into the undergrowth.

_Tyrannosaurus_ was left in the clearing on his own, staring down towards the river, to where _Baryonyx_ had retreated. _Ankylosaurus_ had to be wrong, of course, completely misinterpreting what he'd seen, the old fool, but on the other hand...

There was no reason for him not to follow _Baryonyx_ and show him, once and for all, who was boss. And if he couldn't do that, well, his name wasn't _Tyrannosaurus rex_.

The End


End file.
